The psychology is straightforward. The chase becomes appealing precisely because it’s difficult. His id pushes him toward harder tasks, promising greater satisfaction once achieved. Each small step forward—a laugh, a returned text, a moment of attention—fuels his ego like he’s winning some imaginary competition against phantom rivals. Research from St. Andrews confirms women appear more attractive when others desire them, turning pursuit into a race he’s determined to win.
The chase feels like winning, but he’s competing in a race where the finish line keeps moving and the trophy disappears when caught.
But this game has a fatal flaw. When the woman actually reciprocates, his interest evaporates. This isn’t about her at all—it’s about the thrill of attainment. Men with disorganized attachment styles oscillate between intense interest and cold withdrawal, hot when she’s distant, cold when she’s close. The inconsistency isn’t romantic mystery; it’s psychological dysfunction playing out in real time. This pattern aligns with how attachment styles influence relationship dynamics and attraction.
Meanwhile, anxious pursuit triggers the exact opposite response in avoidant partners. The more he chases, the faster she runs. Constant reassurance-seeking and over-availability shift him into provider territory—useful, safe, boring. Respect dissolves when his entire purpose centers on earning her approval, like a lost puppy desperate for scraps of attention.
The real danger? He’s made her his purpose. This obsession, sometimes called oneitis, transforms a woman into an object rather than a person. His nervous system craves the validation like a drug, and every interaction becomes transactional. He’s not building attraction; he’s building dependency on someone who probably isn’t even thinking about him. The reward system activates more intensely during the pursuit than when he finally gets what he wants, creating a neurological setup for post-attainment disappointment. The chase itself becomes an addiction to validation, offering a cheap high that leaves him feeling empty once the thrill fades.
The solution isn’t some manipulative technique. It’s recognizing that genuine attraction forms through emotional peaks and valleys, not relentless availability. When he stops chasing and redirects energy toward his actual life, the dynamic shifts. Sometimes she starts pursuing. Often she doesn’t. Either way, he escapes the myth and reclaims his self-respect.
